Find your situation
What consent is
“A freely given agreement to the conduct at issue by a competent person.”Uniform Code of Military Justice, Article 120(g)(7) · 10 U.S.C. § 920
Consent is
- Explicit. A clear yes in words or unmistakable action. When in doubt, ask out loud.
- Freely given. No pressure, guilt, threats, or rank behind it.
- Specific. Yes to one thing is not yes to everything.
- Ongoing. It has to be there the whole time, so keep checking in.
- Reversible. Either person can say stop at any point, and stopping is the only right response.
Consent is not
- Silence, or not saying no.
- Not fighting back or not resisting.
- Going along out of fear or pressure.
- Being in a relationship, or having said yes before.
- What someone wore, where they went, or that they kissed you.
- A yes from someone who cannot freely choose or understand what is happening.
When to stop
These situations raise concerns about capacity, freedom to choose, or safety. Some make consent legally impossible; others are reasons to stop and address pressure or uncertainty. Legal standards vary. Our practical recommendation is to be sober, awake, clear-headed, and free to choose.
Asleep or unconscious
Someone who is asleep, passed out, or drifting in and out cannot agree to anything.
Too impaired to choose
Someone who cannot understand what is happening or communicate unwillingness because of alcohol or drugs cannot consent. Confusion, vomiting, slurring, or stumbling are warning signs: stop. Choosing to drink never makes someone responsible for being assaulted.
Threatened or afraid
Agreement given because of force, threats, or fear of what happens if they refuse is not consent.
Rank or authority
When one person controls the other's evaluations, duty, leave, or career, a yes may not be free. Rules about relationships and fraternization may separately prohibit conduct even where consent is claimed. Do not use authority to pursue sexual activity.
Worn down
A yes after repeated asking, guilt-tripping, or sulking is the result of pressure, not a free choice.
Unable to understand
Someone below the applicable legal age of consent cannot legally consent; age rules vary. A person who cannot understand the sexual conduct or communicate unwillingness cannot consent. Disability alone does not establish incapacity.
If you're asking yourself whether they're too drunk, too tired, or too uncertain, stop. That doubt is your answer.
In uniform
The law you serve under
Article 120 of the UCMJ covers sexual assault and rape. It states that lack of resistance is not consent, that a past or current relationship is not consent, and that a sleeping, unconscious, or incompetent person cannot consent. The law also addresses incapacity caused by intoxicants. These are legal standards; choosing a sober, clear-headed standard is our practical safety recommendation. Read Article 120.
Rank changes the room
A superior asking a subordinate, an instructor asking a trainee, or anyone in a position to affect someone's career adds pressure that makes a free yes hard to give. If you hold authority, take responsibility for that pressure. Do not treat a yes as resolving it; applicable service rules may prohibit the relationship separately.
Reporting options
For eligible adults, a restricted report generally provides care and support without initiating an investigation or identifying the victim to command; nonidentifying information may still be shared. Eligibility and confidentiality exceptions apply. A SARC or SAPR victim advocate explains the options and helps complete the formal report; healthcare providers can connect you to them. An unrestricted report initiates an investigation and command notification. Read the official reporting guidance.
Talk it through, together
Make room for an honest answer, including no. These optional exercises help you communicate; completing them never grants permission for sexual activity. There are no names, signatures, recordings, or saved responses.
A boundary needs no explanation
Anyone can say no, stop, skip a prompt, or leave at any time. Stop sexual activity immediately when consent is withdrawn. Do not ask someone to complete an exercise to justify a boundary. If there is fear, coercion, or danger, prioritize safety and individual support.
1. Practice PAIRS Talking Tips
Use this optional exercise outside the heat of the moment, when both people freely want to talk. Allow at least 10–15 minutes of undivided attention. One person speaks about one concern, using a short sentence for each stem. The listener reflects after each sentence: “What I hear you saying is…” The speaker can clarify before continuing. Listen to understand, without arguing, judging, advising, or trying to change the answer.
Open the ten Talking Tips sentence stems
- I notice…
- I assume this means…
- I think…
- I am frustrated by…
- I am hurt by…
- I worry about…
- I want…
- I appreciate you for…
- I realize…
- I hope…
After each stem, pause for the listener to reflect. When finished, switch roles if both people want to. Either person may skip any stem or end the exercise. Appreciation is optional; it is never owed in exchange for respecting a boundary.
PAIRS Talking Tips · © PAIRS Foundation. Sequence drawn from PAIRS Essentials 2.0, pp. 66–69. The consent examples and safety guidance below are adaptations for this site.
See an example about intimacy and boundaries
Speaker: “I notice we haven’t talked about what feels comfortable when we’re intimate.”
Listener: “What I hear you saying is that we haven’t talked about what feels comfortable.”
Speaker: “I worry about disappointing you if I want to stop.”
Listener: “What I hear you saying is that you worry about disappointing me if you want to stop.”
Speaker: “I want to know I can stop without being questioned or pressured.”
Listener: “What I hear you saying is that you want to be able to stop without questions or pressure.”
These are selected examples, not the full exercise. Reflecting a desire does not mean agreeing to it. Being understood does not obligate anyone to provide sex, affection, or an explanation.
2. Have the consent conversation
Use the six prompts below to discuss what each person wants now. There is no score or completion certificate.
View all six prompts
- Pick the right moment. Are we both sober, awake, and clear-headed right now?
- Check for pressure. Is anything making either of us feel we have to say yes? If there is pressure, stop.
- Say what you want. What are you interested in doing, and what's off the table?
- Agree on how to stop. How will we tell each other to stop or slow down? “Stop” always means stop immediately.
- Agree to check in. Can we keep checking in as we go? Silence, freezing, or pulling away means stop and ask.
- Get the answer. Do we each freely want this specific activity now? “I guess,” “maybe,” or uncertainty means stop for now.
3. Receive a boundary with care
“Thanks for telling me.” “We can stop.” “You don’t owe me an explanation.”
If someone changes their mind after initially saying yes, stop immediately. Do not bargain, sulk, threaten the relationship, or ask them to take care of your disappointment.
Read the shared commitment
- We will respect each person’s freedom to choose.
- We will stop immediately when either person says or signals stop.
- We will not use rank, money, guilt, or pressure to get a yes.
- We will keep checking in and stop when there is silence, hesitation, or uncertainty.
Read and discuss only if you both want to. This is an educational reflection, not a pledge to sign or permission for sexual activity.
Get help
If something happened to you, or you're not sure what happened, you can talk to someone without giving your name. In immediate danger, call 911. See what to do next.
Hotlines keep what you share private, with limited exceptions: for example, if someone is in immediate danger, or a child or vulnerable adult is being abused, they may need to involve authorities. You can ask about this before sharing details.
Anonymous support for the military community, worldwide. Can connect you to your installation's SARC.
safehelpline.orgText your zip code or base name to get your SARC's contact info. Outside the U.S., text 202-470-5546.
Education you can use
This resource is provided by PAIRS Foundation. PAIRS Talking Tips supports clear expression and listening to understand. This site is an independent educational resource and is not an official military website or a statement of military endorsement.
Questions or corrections: info@pairs.com. This inbox is not a crisis service. Please do not email intimate details or records of sexual activity.
Sources and editorial scope
- 10 U.S.C. § 920 · Article 120
- SAPRO · Restricted Reporting
- SAPRO · Reporting Options
- PAIRS Essentials 2.0 curriculum manual · Talking Tips, pp. 66–69.
Updated October 20, 2026. Educational adaptation; no legal or clinical review is claimed.
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